4/8/26
so far ive already shared embarrassing and overly intimate things about my life so here's another little piece i wrote for myself where i try to be my own therapist that i thought i would like to share with y'all:
what's your goal *my name*? for now you've discovered you're unstable in romantic relationships (because of lack of experience, jealosy, and emotional problems. not to mention you're unstable in personal relationships as it is.) and you despise the feeling of loving someone who doesn't love you back, feeling butterflies in your stomach every time they text you. but also before you get bitter remember that you cut off someone who lifted you out of the deepest, longest depression you've ever been in and gave you confidence you never had before. relationships aren't about ownership they're about empathy, caring for one another and being there for each other in times of need. he was there when i needed him but when he needed me i had him blocked. im a fucking psycho bitch lol. i laugh and cry at the same time, it's funny how pathetic i am i guess. i miss him, i did't deserve him. even if he acted distant he was still sweet to me, maybe he just wanted someone to prove they cared about him and i was too afraid. but he's also admitted he's had sex so many times he lost count and i have literally never even kissed a man (we were long distance), so im vulnerable to him in that regards. but at the same time when he liked me i was flaunting that i was chatting with and sending nudes to another guy constantly so there's that..... like wtf was i even on. but he was also still out fucking other guys while i was talking to him so...
im just so confused, but all that confusion turned into rage and then me blocking him. worst decision of my life, i gave up a 6 year long friendship for a moment of satisfaction that i regretted like 3 days later. im just like idk girl im a mess. idk what to think, im grateful for my first experience of romance atleast but im really sad i lost him.
but the worst worst worst part out of all is that soon he might be joining a certain army and being sent off to a certain war, where there's a likely chance he will die. i cannot even begin to process this. he has a medical condition so im hoping with all hope he gets excluded, but from what ive heard of the reputation of this certain army is they're willing to send out just about anyone. i don't know what to do, what to say. i just wish i could reach out and hold him through all this, cus i know in his heart he's a good person and doesn't deserve to have to face this shit.
im just at a loss for what to do.
...
also my mom got me a t.v. which i am freaking loving. also also i am realizing more just how much maladaptive daydreaming has fucked me over and ruined my life so im trying to make a plan, ive gotten out of a slump like this once before so im hoping this time i'll slip into it easier. also also also looking at old pictures of me makes me want to cry, id gotten in shape for the first time in my life and was looking really cute then i turned 21 and started drinking immediately. and just after my 21st birthday i got fired and then kicked out both within a couple weeks LMAOOO. and i also have hemorrhoids too so its like a quadrillion kick punch kaboom double fuck you from the universe.
but at the end of the day all i do is bitch and moan and my problems don't get better. i need to make a change.
today's song: